Watered Down A

 In all the string of messages sent on August 22nd, you made it clear I was raging on and on and you not only did not read them but were not going to.  When I left the 23rd for out of state I messaged you, I said I hope you will read them, you should. The next few days you messaged lightly as nothing had changed, yet the distance becomes greater, colder less us.   When I left, I left a small pile of dishes to the right of the sink. The last roll of TP was nearly gone.  When I came home 5 days later, the dishes and a few others for your glasse(s) of duplicated Rum, papertowels on a now empty tp roll holder, a tree branch still in the road, and like so many times before, it looks like you were not even here.  No thank you or mention of the beer I got you, no sign you drank it here. No nothing.  You have the audacity to ask about my dad, what I did, time frames but through all our limited yet still chats did you ever mention you went to your friends, or m...

 You choose to sleep in the guest room. Fine by me. And as I lay in bed last night and this morning again, unlike most mornings I feel we can start again and emotions were heated, but this morning was different. It set in  my soul. We are done.   A marriage cannot survive nor thrive without communication on all levels, and that means indifferences, conflict and degrees of disagreements.  A marriage should be a safe place.  A place where you can discuss insecurities, concerns, anger, and disagreements.  You should be able to navigate troubled waters with grace and respect, not yelling, not screaming, not slamming doors, not walking away, not blaming.  In 3 years we've not been able to achieve that.  This has always been an ongoing problem.  You just are not able to converse and disagree.  It's never your fault, you do nothing wrong.  It's always me.  In all these years you have apologized one time, and it was a 1/2 ass apol...

 I had thought of stiffing you the way you stiffed me for my 50th. But the reality is I do love you and your birthday means something to me. So I took the higher road. I told you yesterday I wanted to take you out to eat, anywhere you wanted. You picked a bar...Frickers. I said really? I thought you'd want something better, I have money aside just for your birthday. Nope, Frickers. I wished you a Happy Birthday Today, I kept in touch, when you came home we headed out.  Almost there you asked if I spoke to Bradley. I started in on that topic which lead me to this.....I will always be #2 to my kids and I told Bradley that.  2nd Grandma, I'm always 2nd.  The boys lean to Scott, mom leans to Tom, you lean , well not to me...but I don't trump Beer, Phone and girls/porn.  I never have and I had accepted I never will.   I was #1 to my dad.  Maybe a slight tie or even barely 2nd to mom. But to my dad he always made me feel I was number 1. My entire life....

  I wanted and need to write something heartfelt, so you know I do love you and that can't be taken away.... Dear you......I will never forget where I was sitting when that text came in "Is this *my name*". I knew without a doubt, not sure how, but I knew it was you. Instantly my smile emerged.  I said yes, who is this.... *  you said your name * That was the beginning.    It was like the first time I saw you sitting in the break room when I was 18, a senior in high school, told my friend when she asked if I wanted to meet you, her BF's best friend, I said "Nope, not interested". But that day you took my breath away. So as adults, we reconnected and it was magical.  I couldn't wait to see you in person.  I just couldn't get enough of you.   That day, my nerves were sooooooo heightened, I was certain my heart would beat out of my chest. As I pulled in, I sat in my car and for a moment I was light headed and thought maybe I'd pass out.  I ...

 Today is your birthday.  How could I forget that. Same date every year.  One day after my "Special Day".  My "Special Day" has always been more important than my birthday. And had you listened to me, you'd have remembered that. But why would you remember? You barely listen to me as your nose is nearly always buried deep in the phone or TV has your attention. You didn't even remember my 50th birthday.  No gift, No card, I got a call about 2 hours after you were at work saying you are sorry, Happy Birthday. I'm sure your friend told you as he's on my facebook. But regardless. Nothing was celebrated. It was like any other mundane be quiet A day.  Yesterday came and went. My first "Special Day" without my dad. I cried and cried. But you had no idea. Why would you even care?  My mom took me for a nice lunch, many people texted or messaged me. They remembered. But not you. I woke up this morning and instantly thought of your bday. That's how...

 I'd hustled and busted my ass for this trip. Careful planning and truly working my ass off and if I have a lot of ass.   So the first full day was just a nightmare. Dustin in his mental capacity was in his explosive victim, yada yada mode. One I don't miss.  I couldn't believe this was my day, my first day in Jamaica.   By the evening Husband#2 is nearly or just over but damn spanky close to 15 beers. I can't even tell you the joy he is.  After 2 beers, (or is nearly daily 1 large can) his mood can shift if he's triggered.  He can be excitable. After 4 beers (his 2 large cans) he's no longer hungry, his level one above is heightened. Here is typically gets on a rant, usually about work, but it can be something I bring up, maybe my mom, my kids, my work, class, something, but he will circle a negative convo and beat it to death. He talks faster and a bit louder. After several beers, about 6 to 10 he starts grumbling when he sits still, he whispers...

 You use to LOVE the smell of my perfume. In fact you'd spray it on my lil nightie and put it in a bag and take it home with you when we parted. Remember that?  You never liked heavy make up, but you liked a little and you always would say how beautiful I am.  You loved my blonde hair and now you don't even notice or mention that this past Wednesday I got 1" cut off and many layers added plus a fresh touched up blonde.   I started to wear perfume over a month ago.  You never mention it, even though I put a spritz on just prior to you coming home. One day I guess I put enough on for you to notice and instead of a happy notice you condemned me , "Is that you that smells", I said "Yes, it's perfume"  You said "Why are you wearing perfume"?  I was taken back.  As usual tone, you were instantly irritated with me, you questioned me, why so much, why at all, why didn't you smell it when you came home for lunch..."It's just weird...

 He doesn't notice I barely converse.  He doesn't notice that I never bring up feelings, insecurities or ask questions about us. He doesn't notice my hair appt. He doesn't notice a new nightie.  He doesn't notice I barely text or even call.  You don't even notice we don't laugh anymore.  I am a sounding board for you to talk to, but I can't ask questions, or ask for clarification.  Well, maybe he does.  So why wouldn't he be happy. I do the majority of all house chores, unless I ask. I come with free health insurance, a cheap house payment. I love to travel and hustle to do so. I don't ask him questions anymore. Are you , or why do you still surf porn, girls pics, save. Why most you continually drink, can you please stop train wrecking my vacations, why don't you kiss me long, why don't you notice anything. I'm like a quiet housekeeping, a silent companion.   Normally I am outspoken, I say what a think. Most people value this trait, h...

 You scurried out of the house, went to work to look at potentially a fedex code to get your appendage returned (aka active phone), even though I said why not wait till tomorrow. Afterall, you can't do it today. So it don't make sense to go.  You said you didn't even know if ATT was open but grass was wet. Normally you'd make sure something was open. Afterall it's Sunday. It's 9:15 am when you left. Who is *A*?  Well, her face isn't much to look at but you are more an ass guy and she has it. You have NEVER mentioned her as a friend at work. Not ONE FUCKING TIME.  Not like the others at work I hear about.  Once I saw her message and asked why she was messaging you, you snapped (as usual) it's work, we work together. And it was work related. About a month ago you said " *A* at worked asked me how long passports take, so I said I'd ask you".  My thought, fucking google it, I'm not an agent. You mentioned her husband, but by all account and...

 I remember when we spoke on the phone, before we met up again.  I told you that the main component of the downward spiral of my prior marriage was drinking. I said I was even sensitive to drinking the way it was. But I told you outright I have no room for a alcoholic in my life. You state you are not a alcoholic because after all "You don't get drunk every night, you don't get drunk often, you don't drink every day" And some would indeed agree. Addiction defined is: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance Husband #2 has the inability to control. You hide it, you hide when you've drank it, you hide the empty cans.  You've had it before you come home, you've went out after I've went to class to get it, than hide it.  You get going on a few and you don't want to stop. That's addiction.  I asked you about your drinking in the beginning. I have always been transparent about my feelings, I have always been clear of my expectatio...

 When I get sick, I get grumpy. I am fucking tired of being a bitch maid. I do 95% of all chores in house.  The 3% that would make this 98% is me asking you to do dishes, switch laundry, fold, or take out the fucking trash.  Take this morning for instance. I'm run down and fighting not getting sick. Tomorrow we fly out. I simply ask, trash needs to go, bathroom trash needs dumped. I reminded you twice. You forgot the bathroom trash. Now I realize in the big picture this is not a big deal. But are you fucking kidding me? You literally have such little to do, even less I ask, and yet the bathroom trash is nearly overflowing. You are excited about our trip. I'm a mixed bag.  Another drinking marathon for you. I'm sure you are excited. But for me, I find you annoying when you reach 6 beers. 4 beers it begins. But you are a champion at marathon drinking. You get short fused, repeat conversations and if anything irritates you it can single handily ruin a good night.  ...