Begining of the end.....who would have ever thought...today..your birthday

 I had thought of stiffing you the way you stiffed me for my 50th. But the reality is I do love you and your birthday means something to me. So I took the higher road.

I told you yesterday I wanted to take you out to eat, anywhere you wanted. You picked a bar...Frickers. I said really? I thought you'd want something better, I have money aside just for your birthday. Nope, Frickers.

I wished you a Happy Birthday Today, I kept in touch, when you came home we headed out.  Almost there you asked if I spoke to Bradley. I started in on that topic which lead me to this.....I will always be #2 to my kids and I told Bradley that.  2nd Grandma, I'm always 2nd.  The boys lean to Scott, mom leans to Tom, you lean , well not to me...but I don't trump Beer, Phone and girls/porn.  I never have and I had accepted I never will.  

I was #1 to my dad.  Maybe a slight tie or even barely 2nd to mom. But to my dad he always made me feel I was number 1. My entire life.  I never doubted that. I never questioned that. Without him on earth has only compounded my self worth.  I may be the go to for Caregiving, I'm the go to to help people, here I clean the house, I take care of laundry. You do these things seldom or if I ask. I hustle for vacations. I've tried to be thin enough, pretty enough. That wasn't enough. So 6mths ago I decided after our last talk I would never bring it up.  I will be quiet. So quiet you don't even know what goes on in my life, my heart or anything. Even when you do ask, I start talking to only find out most the time you are not paying attention. I stop talking, you don't look up, I said "Okay then" you don't look up.  You've already tuned me out. But least you asked, you just didn't have the desire to listen.

I was going on about being number 2. Suddenly you yelled "oh fuck this, just go home, I don't even want dinner". I said "oh stop, it's fine we are almost there".  You kept yelling and screaming at me to stop the car you wanted out...on 741 going 40 mph, you started opening the car door. So I turned on my hazzards and pulled to a stop, you got out , slammed the door and off you went.

I texted you, but you were adamant you were walking home. I offered to get you a hotel due to the walk and heat. But no , you were coming home.  I've learned through out fights, your yelling, screaming at me, physical fights that being in the same home was a recipe for disaster,. But you came home. i packed up some things for you to go overnight to give us space, willing to pay a hotel. But nope. You arrived, I called police but hey, because of our legal agreement neither of us can leave. Isn't that swell.  I went to moms and tried to text. Because lets face it, you can't disagree, you can't calmly, respectfully argue.  It is your way, it's never your fault, you do nothing wrong. It's my fault. It's always my fault.

Is it my fault you still look to porn, to young girls, saving pics..is it my fault you can't have an adult civil conversation? I suppose it's my fault you drink like you do or make our vacations a drinking marathon and embarrass me by your LOUD NEGATIVE TALKING at dinners or around people? Is it my fault you pick fights when you drink and yell and beat a dead horse over a negative topic? Do I force your hand at these?

I cannot make you love me.  Maybe you have the only capable way you can. But I was never your first pick,, probably not even 2nd or 3rd. But you knew my love for you was un-waivered.  And you ran with it.

I never knew today. Your birthday would be the start, the beginning of our end. I tried.I'm no quitter, but there comes a time when even I have to admit, I lost.  And I have to let go and I have to move on. Someday you will thank you. 


I tried.

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