While you got ready for your work breakfast, smokes and wake up

 The physical pain is unreal. It eats away at your brain and emotions more than the physical pain...or so it feels.

I barely sleep, I'm in pain, I wake up in pain.

I get my coffee and sit for a few. I start the dishes. I start making my breakfast and lunch and things together for a 10 hour day with R you don't even know. I collect the trash, and take it to the street. I gather the recycling and take to the street. I know you hear me in the garage but your phone trumps.

I put the dishes away and washing up more, you come in and say "are you mad at me"? No, I say, I'm really not. I hurt, I'm lonely , depressed and even resentful how little you here as you scramble to get together your work breakfast cookout for your friends and my mind drifts to your not so secret friend A at work, wanting to ask, what will she bring? But does it matter, no? She's not married like you stated.  Will you send her a picture of your breakfast to her text. My mind goes to Ziggys and Frickers, why lie that you went there. I never cared or expected you to sit home, in fact I think you should do things when I"m alway, but why lie, you haven't before.  Who is momma, the person you referred to as "Momma and I are on the way" that friday I was in NC? Is it her? Does it matter?  But if you have nothing to hide, why lie? Yea, that's why.

You say in the kitchen when I said nothing was wrong...well, YOU SNAPPED, as good old Husband #2 fashion..."Then why you banging dishes around"? And I wasn't. that's the sound of dishes, but you wouldn't know probably because you have seldom done that.  Long as I don't express my feelings, you level off. I don't want to fight with you, and that means me not talking.  I don't even know how much I care anymore, certainly not enough to fight.  You've silenced me and trapped me in my own mind because I don't want to deal with your explosiveness.  I hate it, it's immature, childlike and bullshit.

I take  your laundry of day 2 and fold it and put it away.

Sometimes I think, we can just be roommates, but who wants a roommate that you love and doesn't love you back, who wants to be a maid roommate, but maybe it's partial pay, you don't have to do it and that covers the finances.

I so miss being hugged, held, touched.  Either you don't have that in you, or it's just not with me. But I need it, I crave it.  I'm so deeply sad without and wonder why you blew up my life for this.

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