Dear You. I love you.

 I wanted and need to write something heartfelt, so you know I do love you and that can't be taken away....

Dear you......I will never forget where I was sitting when that text came in "Is this *my name*". I knew without a doubt, not sure how, but I knew it was you. Instantly my smile emerged.  I said yes, who is this.... *  you said your name *

That was the beginning.   

It was like the first time I saw you sitting in the break room when I was 18, a senior in high school, told my friend when she asked if I wanted to meet you, her BF's best friend, I said "Nope, not interested". But that day you took my breath away.

So as adults, we reconnected and it was magical.  I couldn't wait to see you in person.  I just couldn't get enough of you.  

That day, my nerves were sooooooo heightened, I was certain my heart would beat out of my chest. As I pulled in, I sat in my car and for a moment I was light headed and thought maybe I'd pass out.  I took a breath and you texted "Get in here"!

When I walked in the door, you were standing there, weight shifted on your left hip. Jeans, tshirt, flannel jacket and baseball hat. With your brown eyes and smile looking at  me.  I went right to your arms and you wrapped me up in you and we embraced. I could feel you trembling with emotion, I was shaking and we just stayed there for a moment or so before we kissed long and passionately.  My soul finally found it's home.

I knew that you were my forever.  That this was it.  

Everyday since I've tried to be that person. I've tried to be pretty enough, thin enough, fun enough, I've tried to make you happy, I've done the dishes , the laundry. I seldom as you to do anything.  

I didn't question the pictures I found in your email and went with your lie about the pictures of girls asses you took at the stores. I knew it wasn't true. But I knew you loved me enough it wouldn't happen again.

After all the fights before marriage you promised things would get better, I wouldn't regret marrying you.  I stayed. Because I  knew you loved me enough those things would be true.

In August after our wedding, I saw the reflection in your glasses of seductive woman, but I made an excuse, it was not what it was, because you loved me enough not to do that.

In October when I found you were paying to see "M" on onlyfans and her friend, both barely legal, "M" whose father was one of your best friends from childhood. Heck, we even went to a funeral recently to support him. Maybe you got your jollies off to see her in person, maybe seeing her made you look for her and pay to see more. You lied when I confronted you about all that. Even though I told you not to, for I knew the truth.  You stopped, because I deactivated your account I stayed because I thought you loved me enough to change.

Not long after, I found more nudes in your recently deleted.  I had see reflections of woman in your glasses at night around the fire.  So that's why I looked.  When you got out of bed and left all pissed, I said "Take your phone so you can look at whores" you came back and across the bed and pushed me off.  I left the house.  The next day you gave me a half ass apology.  I thought you could love me enough to not to that again.

I've dealt with vacations ruined and being drunk, loud, LORD SO Embarrassing to have you around in front of people, no sleep, annoying you, negative you. I thought I could love you enough that you would stop.  You promised before our first Jamaica trip, "We will be us again in Jamaica". Of course we will...he loves me that much.

In February you were infuriated about the money mom gave ME.  I paid of credit cards so I could put more towards others. I never bought any material thing for myself. You blew up at me.  You grazed passed me in the hall and I felt my should pushed and I pushed you in the back, You took me by the shoulders and pushed me down the hall and shoved my head against the wall. You let go and walked away. I grabbed my phone and said I'm calling the police, you came after me yelling, you put me in a choke hold, I kept saying I can't breath as it muffled lightly. You got my phone and let me go.  I got the phone back and went to my office where you followed and tackled me to the ground, where we struggled.  You don't feel like most honorable men, a woman gets what she gets for misbehaving. That somehow a push warranted so much more from you. Self defense is equal force. You went above and beyond.  You never apologized. Why would you, it wasn't your fault. It was mind, right? Afterall, you love me to much to hurt me.

March 26th 2022 for some reason you initiated sex.  Of course, it had been since August and you loved me.

I've asked, I've spoken, I've pleaded and I've cried to get us back on track. I've been told excuses after excuses, lie over lie and I've still stood by. I've stood by and looked away at the drinking you hide so I don't see it. But trust me when I say, I do. Your personality tells me.  But you love me enough to hide it, right? And I love you enough to look away.

In all these time, I've been to counseling, on meds, I've tried talking, reasoning and understanding. In March of 2023, I told you it's been a year, clearly we are not feeling the same about each other, the passion gone, it's clear you are not interested. You completely blew it off.  The next week when I took you to work, I said the same, and said you are going to push me outside this marriage and cheat, I'm not dead, I long for passion and it doesn't seem you feel the same. All you said was "Do we have to do this before work". I said yep, and it's done. Just wanted you to know. I was CERTAIN things would change. I WAS CERTAIN telling you I may cheat would make you revisit and realize, you do love me. But nope. No mention, No change. And I decided at that point I wouldn't readdress anything for 6 mths. Not a single fucking thing.  Because I love you enough to be patient. And you love me enough to not quit. Right?

My birthday forgotten, my 50th with nothing, not even a 1.00 card. Not even a nice sentiment, a long kiss, a long hug. Because maybe that love has faded. My special day, nothing.  Why would you, it's not really that special.

2 weeks before 2023 family vacay, I found onlyfans porn screenshot and bikini girls, a shorts video of little bouncy titties and short dress. But you wouldn't save those, watch those, hide those and delete, because you love me to much to do that. And I love you enough to not say anything.

I've loved you enough to look away so long, your barely in my view.  You have loved me enough to not change and just be your, after all, we don't change at our age.

But now it's time to love ourselves enough to walk away.  You don't have had to hide your drinking, your slutty little 20's good small bodies, your onlyfans, your porn, you don't have to worry about love getting in the way with me. You can love all the things that mean the most, the beer, the phone, the girls, the porn and you can love what you thought we could be.  And I will love the side of you I know could have been there in a different world away from addiction , woman and raised voices.  

But always know, I loved you enough to fight for us, try, ask and be transparent and honest. I loved your enough not to look at other men sexually.  I loved you enough to not hide things from you. I loved you enough to stay as long as I could. But now I have to love me, before I lose me.

I tried. I really really tried. Because I love you.