Of course you are happy

 He doesn't notice I barely converse.  He doesn't notice that I never bring up feelings, insecurities or ask questions about us. He doesn't notice my hair appt. He doesn't notice a new nightie.  He doesn't notice I barely text or even call.  You don't even notice we don't laugh anymore.  I am a sounding board for you to talk to, but I can't ask questions, or ask for clarification.  Well, maybe he does.  So why wouldn't he be happy.

I do the majority of all house chores, unless I ask. I come with free health insurance, a cheap house payment. I love to travel and hustle to do so. I don't ask him questions anymore. Are you , or why do you still surf porn, girls pics, save. Why most you continually drink, can you please stop train wrecking my vacations, why don't you kiss me long, why don't you notice anything. I'm like a quiet housekeeping, a silent companion.  

Normally I am outspoken, I say what a think. Most people value this trait, he hates it.  I'm losing myself.  I feel like I'm trapped. I'm so lonely. 

I was transparent when we reconnected. What you see is what you got in me. I was honest about how I wanted finances, my thoughts of drinking. Afterall, it's the same component that collapsed my first marriage. I remember that exact place I was at when I had the following conversation when we FIRST started talking.  It was about the lack and disinterest in sex you had when you were just 21/22.  I said how I felt unattractive, that you just had no interest (But yet what ended us was your cheating.  From a 16 year old slut sharing a chair with you playing strip poker to you trying to fuck another girl, but interest in me, it wasn't there) you said and I quote "I was young and stupid and the only thing I cared to do was drink beer with my friends and party".  Well we met and I believed you, I even thought "This sex amount isn't practical or wanted moving forward" but we were just meeting to meet so , I assumed that was why. But here we are. You even apologized sincerely for what happened in our 20s.

I've tried mentioning a budget, you resist. If the money is there it's there.  But I have tried to save, I have put money in reserve and growth but it's always tapped out. I quit. I could make a budget and we could have more. But you don't care enough.  You were  never honest about the drinking.  Perhaps you thought it would change, that you would love me enough to change that habit.  Maybe you figured I would adjust.

Sex? I don't know what you were thinking but it's been 1.5 years since sex.  It's been well over a year since any amount of intimacy which is me, kissing you in bed.  You don't touch me, you don't seem even interested. But oh those sluts online, those college girl pics. Now they have your interest. You think you are a fucking GQ model, you think maybe you are all that? No, you are not. But my love for you only gave me eyes for you.

I've sat back and listened to one lie, one excuse after another. "things will get better" "I need to talk to someone" "I need to go back to dr" "we will be use again in Jamaica (Biggest fucking joke ever *prior to february trip*)  "It will get better"  

And I think YOU think, things have got better. How could you not? You do your thing, Gold Medal in Olympic drinking on every fucking vacation, where you are short fused, snappy, loud, abnoxious , embarrassing, mean, NEGATIVE and you circle shit. You mumble, you grumble. I hate you when you do this.  You don't have to do housework unless I ask, fuck..you can't even take out recycling and trash unless I remind you.  Why and the FUCK would you not be happy?  

You don't even notice me. The changes, the disconnection, the isolation and sadness.  If you do, you love it.

You lied to me. You fucking lied to me and took advantage of my love. And I left a home, dogs and kids for you.  I walked away.   For this. 

Well, I hope it's been good. Because I am walking away.


There is a man and a life that will love me, for just that. ME.

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