ramblings....what happened

 I remember when we spoke on the phone, before we met up again.  I told you that the main component of the downward spiral of my prior marriage was drinking. I said I was even sensitive to drinking the way it was. But I told you outright I have no room for a alcoholic in my life. You state you are not a alcoholic because after all "You don't get drunk every night, you don't get drunk often, you don't drink every day" And some would indeed agree.

Addiction defined is: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance

Husband #2 has the inability to control. You hide it, you hide when you've drank it, you hide the empty cans.  You've had it before you come home, you've went out after I've went to class to get it, than hide it.  You get going on a few and you don't want to stop. That's addiction. 

I asked you about your drinking in the beginning. I have always been transparent about my feelings, I have always been clear of my expectations and my future. And you stated "Sure I like to have a beer or two sometimes after a work day or on a weekend" "I only drink this much because I live along and get bored"

I told you  how he hid them from me, I told you it was the ending of our marriage.  You knew this. Perhaps you thought you could stop, or change or slow down. Maybe you thought I would change.

When I told you how you made me feel in our 20s, you didn't seem to have any interest in sex, and we were in our 20s, I felt unattractive and undesired. You said "when I was in my 20s all I cared about was drinking beer and hanging with my friends"  Well, 30+ years later, you may not care to hang with friends, but you love your beer and here I am. Your friend. And here we are, you still having no interest in sex.

You told me about passion, "I don't know why, I have  no sex drive" when I mention passion without sex, orgasms, just kiss me naked and passionately and bed, it's all I ask for. I get "I don't know what stops me".  Than victim "I know you will want more and I can't give that to you".  But let's be factual here. For someone that has "No sex drive" you sure are handy when it comes to finding your favorite girls online...skinny, size 6, 8's bouncing round bums, 20's, 30's.  Black, Asian, Latino, White, you don't much care as long as they fit those brackets.  I still remember a deleted pic of a black girl with long dreads, couldn't see her face because all I saw was a pic of her ass as you stood on the line at convenience store looking at it. How completely sad to take a picture. How disrespectful to a woman. How completely pathetic of a man to do that.  From the shorts video on youtube of a foreign girl on a stationary bike with bouncing titties in a dress and trim legs.  How sad.

Did ever even stop husband#2? Did you even pause or were you just very careful with your trail on your phone.  

Even if you say to me now...."I will stop", "I will go to counseling", "I will go back to dr", I can't do this anymore.  Well, I can. But I won't. And I will tell you why. This is strike 3 after warning before strike one.  I'm not going to spend another 2 or 3 years, and this happen again. I'm done.

Dear Husband #2. I tried, I really tried. I tried to be the wife you wanted.  The friend you loved.  I tried to be attractive for you. I tried to get you medical help. I tried with counseling.  We went to G, because I gave you an ultimatum after you pushed me off the bed.  You went a couple times alone and said you were good.  Later you stated how counseling doesn't work, it's all a bunch a bullshit. You know I still go and you never ask how I am.  You don't care I take antidepressants. In fact I think you rather like I do these things because I leave you alone.   Since March, when I told you that you will push me to cheat, that clearly we don't love each other the same, you never cared enough to make changes, but you cared far less to even discuss it.  Had the roles been reversed and you came to me and said that. I would have cried, I would have made appts, I would have noticeably made changes. I would have sat down and talked to you, told you how much I love you, desire you and want you as a husband and asked you to be patient. But you? No, never said a word. And I'm thinking now, that's I've never brought it up, you either rejoice I've left you alone, maybe you think I'm cheating, perhaps you wouldn't care. Long as your circumstance doesn't change.

I hate that I love you. But I have to let you go.  I love many people. On many levels. But as I told you, I'm disconnecting from you more and more. And now it's done. I don't love you as a husband. I love you as a friend. Because you are not my husband in my heart. And YOU DID THIS.  YOU DID THIS. And you can't get it back.  Because let's face it husband #2, like we said. At our age, we don't change.