Watered Down A

 This weekend was tough.  It proves no matter what I'm always going to be looking over my shoulder for sluts and porn.  Makes me enjoy a sober you.  The reality is, it's short lived. You did delete your recently deleted slut and porn.  I wonder what your excuse would have been if I said something...well, I know it would have been my fault for looking. But I'm sure you would have had a whitty lie. This blog always wont be filled with anger. In order to let go, heal, move on and truly accept you are going, it means posting the good time, which sadly were short and not completely real on your end. I laugh at your slut inbox, your private account.  There were so many things suggested by G, and asked by me. New Email(s) Close or No longer use Private bank account No more subscriptions/joining/viewing/paying.  Stop being a straight up asshole after 4 beers. Let's communicate without you yelling But you know, we did say early on when we started talking that a...

 You've been so nice weekend and I believe beer free the last couple days. But the reality is, what's done is done. You keep stripping me of my self esteem, insulting me by what you look at, pay for, subscribe to. And I don't even know why, because the biggest part of me doesn't care. I'm a beautiful woman. And while I may not have the 20 year old tight body and size 8 ass you like. I have no problems getting the attention of men and admiration of woman.   This is why we broke up when we were in our  20s, because of Beer and unfaithfulness.  When we reconnected we visited this conversation and you stated that the lack of sex life was because you cared more about beer and hanging out with friends.  But the reality is, we don't change. I mean, we can. But this in ingrained in you so deeply and you have no desire to change permanently. I've never been what you wanted. I wasn't your first pick. You told me at a huge fight when I said I was secon...

  I turned 50.  One the biggest milestones. You forgot to say Happy Birthday that morning. But more than anything, you made it clear, you didn't have money for a gift. Clearly not even a card. But you bet your bottom pathetic ass, you have made sure you have money for onlyfans. com.   Thank you for that. You are a horrible person to me.

 Intuition is strong.  But so can be paranoia.  But a zebra never looses his stripes.  People get comfortable if you wait long enough.  People get lazy and slip up and that's how they get caught if they care and try not to.   But it started a few months ago, little things....out longer at night with phone....switching off a screen quickly.  Once I saw a reflection across the table from his glasses of something that looked of sluts sense.  Why would I expect him to change? Well, I don't. And I didn't. Because at this age, most of us are who we are. Can habits stop? Absol-Fucking-lutly .  But that only happens when YOU the person wants to change for YOU.  So knew. In time. I found these in his phone.  I know what you may be thinking.....his phone is private and I invaded his privacy.  Had I confronted husband #2, he would have blew the fuck up that I went through his phone pics. It's never his fault.  It's my fault....

 The smell of me wearing perfume use to bring smiles, loving looks and happiness from Husband#2.  I remember even having a discussion about this dying emotion somewhere around a year ago.  I had said to him "you use to love when I wore perfume, it turned you on, my nighties you loved and now you don't even notice".  He replied with "because it was new, I hadn't had a woman in around to have that in years".  I don't remember much after that conversation about the topic. But I've continued to spritz perfume on, I've worn all sorts of new nighties to bed and none get attention. Not even a new one.  So I quit wearing them to seek attention. Yesterday evening I came home and he was in the kitchen, I had been out working my side hustle.  Suddenly he says in annoyance "is that you? that strong smell of perfume"? (like who else would it be right?) I said "yes it's me".  He said "why are you wearing perfume".  "I usu...

 We shall call my therapist "G". I tell G, when I think about leaving him.  Where will he go? A Crap apartment?  His credit isn't good at all.  He loves our home. He will be somewhere alone, drinking, smoking and living in front of the TV.  He had told me before he moved here that he had a realization that he would grow old and die along. That this was "his life". He in many ways just gave up and accepted that.  Never knew his dad, mom is gone, no relationship with siblings. Any other family lives far.  The thought of him living in a small apartment or not a nice place brings me great pain and sadness.  One I don't want to bestow on him.  I tell G, "the thought of this, him suffering causes me crippling pain".  He looks at me, leans back and says "Why is it okay for you to suffer"?  My response, "I'm good at suffering" And to be honest. I am.  It's what has made me a giving person, a great caregiver, employee, wife and m...

 My moms today as I was leaving her home.  "Hey, I meant to ask you, what did                                          *Husband#2* get your for your birthday. I came back around to where she was sitting.  Nothing. He got me nothing for my 50th birthday.  "Not even a card"?  she asked. Not even a card I said.  Since we got married we don't celebrate anniversary's , birthdays, Valentines Day, any holidays. So why would me turning 1/2 a century warrant anything different? He had asked me two weeks prior "What do you want to do for your birthday"? Only after me showing him pearls gifted to me.  I said "I guess nothing".  I mean do you really need to ask someone that?  He said well I get paid the day after your birthday and we are strapped for ca...

As I move forward with daily blogging, I have a lot to catch you up on so you understand where I am day to day.  So be patient, I'll try to add some humor, after all if you can't laugh at yourself, what's the point at all?   I remember the first time I saw him.  I was 19.  I had went to the break-room to start my day.  And there he was sitting there, cute as can be. Just like I liked them, dark hair and tanned skin.  That would be my kryptonite.    I was always fooled by the boys that looked cute.  And that day as a 47 year old woman, he sent me a text "Is this Angie?", somehow I knew instantly it was him.  A smile filled my face as I tried to conceal it so nobody would see that I was sitting with.  What emerged quickly unfolded and here I am today. Looking back at all the earliest red flags. Red Flag 1 - The 2nd day we spoke on the phone, he was drunk that night.  And he was quite irritable.  We had uncovered and wen...

 Of all the fights.  The yelling. The pushing me off a bed.  This is what I recall that hurt the most. His hands firmly placed on my shoulders, feeling his thumbs at my collar bone as I am being rushed backwards by him pushing me. Than it happened, my head hit the the sound wave frame. And my heart sunk. I was filled with fear. Was my beloved and new sound-wave picture in a frame broke?  After all, I had only had it less than a month. A remembrance of my father for his favorite song, "This Magic Moment".  I remember after my head hit it, he let go and walked back down the hallway. From there, that's when it became a throw down. If anyone had told me, this would be my life at 50, I would have said they are crazy.  People don't stay with people that physically hurt them. I've overlooked so much more.  It wasn't like this 3 years ago.  He wasn't like this. Sure there was red flags.  But he promised, "you won't regret marrying me.  Things wi...