Perfume trigger

 The smell of me wearing perfume use to bring smiles, loving looks and happiness from Husband#2.  I remember even having a discussion about this dying emotion somewhere around a year ago.  I had said to him "you use to love when I wore perfume, it turned you on, my nighties you loved and now you don't even notice".  He replied with "because it was new, I hadn't had a woman in around to have that in years".  I don't remember much after that conversation about the topic. But I've continued to spritz perfume on, I've worn all sorts of new nighties to bed and none get attention. Not even a new one.  So I quit wearing them to seek attention.

Yesterday evening I came home and he was in the kitchen, I had been out working my side hustle.  Suddenly he says in annoyance "is that you? that strong smell of perfume"? (like who else would it be right?) I said "yes it's me".  He said "why are you wearing perfume".  "I usually do wear it everyday" I came back with.  More annoyed he said "it's never that strong, why are you wearing so much, it's weird".  I didn't really have a reason, I just apparently put more on then usual, perhaps it was staying in my clothes. I do not really know.  I said "well, I met a friend for lunch, I had drs appt, so I put it on late".  Him growing impatient (as usual with me) said "I didn't smell it when I came  home, and it's just weird you have it on"  

In this moment, I feel that sickening fear building up. I can't put my finger on it.  Is this going to become a yelling moment of me being scolded again, a long silent treatment night again?  Who knows. I went and sat on couch and just knew to be quiet.  Like a kid that got chewed out by her parents and not wanting privileges taken away. I'm afraid of it continuing.  But it didn't.

As delayed as my brain is, it hit me while watching TV.  A normal response from a husband that loves his wife would have said when I came in "Wow, you smell nice" followed with a hug and kiss.  But not mine.  I think back to, he hasn't commented on nighties in years, he mentioned smelling perfume before, only hastily this time annoyed it was more than normal.  He never comments on my hair after it's done, or I've done something nice, make up, forget it.  Once he mentioned in some off tone "well you had make up on"  

How dare him scold me for perfume. Shame on him for acting like an asshole.  Everything he pretended to be prior to him moving down was a facade front.  Perhaps he figured he was a changed man, or could change.  But maybe he knew he wouldn't, but it was new and there I was.

I don't know what he was implying last night.  If he was worried I had met someone, why? I mentioned in March if things don't change he will push me out of this marriage circle and I will cheat. This was a calm, factually stated conversation I had with him. More like me talking him listening than afterwards he sticks his head in the sand and it's never mentioned again. Nothing changes.  So would he even care if I cheated, or would it anger him that it threatens his stability? House, dog, companion.  

Am I expected to live whats left of my life without any remote level of passion? The roller coaster of alcoholism, unable to have an adult two way conversation? Fear I have inside of speaking, asking a question, sometimes even breathing if hes super annoyed? Why and the fuck, would I want to spend what's left of my life, living like this? Well, I don't.  And I will not.

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