I just can't. Not anymore.

 You've been so nice weekend and I believe beer free the last couple days. But the reality is, what's done is done.

You keep stripping me of my self esteem, insulting me by what you look at, pay for, subscribe to. And I don't even know why, because the biggest part of me doesn't care. I'm a beautiful woman. And while I may not have the 20 year old tight body and size 8 ass you like. I have no problems getting the attention of men and admiration of woman.  

This is why we broke up when we were in our  20s, because of Beer and unfaithfulness.  When we reconnected we visited this conversation and you stated that the lack of sex life was because you cared more about beer and hanging out with friends.  But the reality is, we don't change. I mean, we can. But this in ingrained in you so deeply and you have no desire to change permanently. I've never been what you wanted. I wasn't your first pick.

You told me at a huge fight when I said I was second choice to Maggie, you told me if I came home you'd tell me the story of the girl you first looked for. But you didn't. You guard her. You guard your story.  You told Connie what you said in OUR wedding vowels. You took advantage of the childhood and even continued grown love I always had for you.  You used that about me to replant yourself in my life. You said a few times and even in our vowels, you had looked at your life and said "This is it" "I'm going to be alone and old and die"  So here I am. A companion.

I hate what you've done to me.  You make me feel physically inferior. Yes I find you completely sad and pathetic.  Saving photos and screenshot-ting porn, woman.  I don't get it. In a worldwide web of porn and naked sluts, you have to subscribe and/or pay.  I've been busting my ass to get this trip for us, you get on me for purchases I make but I am 99% certain you are a paying member. 

I don't know when I am putting the ax down. But I'm keeping silent and playing along and being quiet until I know. For this is not my life.  I won't spend what's left of my life looking over my shoulder. Getting comfortable only to find out you are at it again.  I will no longer ride this roller coaster so when you say "I will stop, I will quit beer, I promise it will get better". It doesn't matter for I am done.  I'm not doing this shit anymore. I'm getting off this ride and leaving this amusement park of a marriage.

There is a man out there that loves me for me. Nothing I bring to the table. He loves my body, he loves my spirit. I trust this man. He is loyal to me.  He doesn't need me for companionship. He doesn't need me for financial future security.  He loves the ocean like I do, he will vacation without it being an Olympic drinking sport. He will be my safe haven in our home and in his arms. When I am mad at him, I will have no fear of telling him. I won't have to walk on eggshells. This man will converse over differences and not yell, not avoid, not blame me.  This man exists and he's out there for me.  And I will wait as long as I have to in order to have this man.  I have a lot of friends, I am not afraid of living alone, standing on my feet. What I am afraid of is living the rest of my life like this.....I am losing myself.  My voice is lost with you. My life isn't tied to anti-depressants and therapy appts to get through. I will not torture myself with a rabbit hole life of finding sites you have joined, things you've done. You can't hide on the internet.  No matter how hard you try.  The world wide web will always give you up.  But  I won't live like that.  

I've stood by so much to be with you. Pictures you've taken of woman, even in Mexico.  Sites you've joined, domestic violence, unable to communicate. Behavior changes after beer.  Hiding beer you've drank.  You must think I'm very stupid or you are very savy. But it is neither.

I hope some day you find someone that is a fool that will never look, or perhaps you will find a stupid girl with the body you want.  Perhaps you will find someone to drink with smoke with, someone that don't care you look at porn/pics of girls, this girl will be someone that needs someone to latch on to because she is so pathetic she can't stand on her own two feet. She will use you like you've lost me.  


I am done.

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