The Art of People Pleasing

 We shall call my therapist "G".

I tell G, when I think about leaving him.  Where will he go? A Crap apartment?  His credit isn't good at all.  He loves our home. He will be somewhere alone, drinking, smoking and living in front of the TV.  He had told me before he moved here that he had a realization that he would grow old and die along. That this was "his life". He in many ways just gave up and accepted that.  Never knew his dad, mom is gone, no relationship with siblings. Any other family lives far.  The thought of him living in a small apartment or not a nice place brings me great pain and sadness.  One I don't want to bestow on him.  I tell G, "the thought of this, him suffering causes me crippling pain".  He looks at me, leans back and says "Why is it okay for you to suffer"?  My response, "I'm good at suffering"

And to be honest. I am.  It's what has made me a giving person, a great caregiver, employee, wife and mom.  I'd give two kidneys away to make someone have a better life. 

But G is right.  I've been honest with Husband #2.  I've always been honest about my feelings.  Even stating not once but twice, if things don't change you will push me outside this marriage to cheat.  It's clear you and I are not on the same level and I'm not living what's left of my life without a level of passion"  Two times I've said this.  Both times met with irritation.

I've told him I have begun to disconnect.  We are friends. We are roommates. "I hate it when you say that so stop" he says.  

Now if someone you loved, felt passion for and didn't want them to cheat and they came to you with these things.  Would you address it? Would you make changes?  As a wise person in my life said, "what's more disturbing that nothing changed is that he didn't even care enough to talk about it"  I think of those words a lot.  

Like G said, as long as he's happy, all is well in his world.  He does what he can and willing to do to keep me quiet.

Now if it were me and suddenly my husband who has expressed his unhappiness on many levels suddenly stopped.  I don't think I'm ignorant enough to thing "Well, things are great, he's happy".  Why? Because I would know nothing had changed.  I hadn't changed some ways. I would almost fully believe, he has met someone.  How could you not?

But why am I good at suffering? And how can I stop this?  I keep telling myself that this window, right now, age 50. Good health, mobility, great confidence, don't care what other think because I'm going to have fun, more cash flow, control over my work schedule....this is MY TIME.  And if we are being honest about this window, normal wear and tear on the body, no major diagnosis or illness. I have 10-15 years maybe to travel.  And be my most happy self.  So 4 days into 50 and I'm not living my happiest life.



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