Watered Down A

 It's hard to believe we've not even been reconnected for 4 years. Married just over 2 years. And here we are, already at the end. I almost laugh, but with the deepest pain. The kisses I get are right up there with the kisses you give Stitch.  Forehead and cheek.  The other night when you leaned over to kiss me goodnight from the side of the bed after giving Stitch a kiss, I instinctively put my lips up and I could tell if caught you off guard from the cheek plant kiss. I felt like a fool.  This morning you leaned over the couch and kissed me on the cheek.  That's where we are.  I knew, like a wave of permanent black ink, it's over. I put my wedding ring set in the jewelry box.  It's over.  And tonight I will tell you that these little obligation peck kisses can stop. The pony show is slipping away and it's more painful.  Let's rip the band-aid off , this can stop. I know S it's over.  So let's just be done. Beginning of the end has star...

 I had mentioned going to my friends "J" and doing Ariel yoga , said I may even spend the night, but in your defense that was weeks ago, it just never worked out.  Until last week.  I had no interest or even reason of telling you too soon, because you wouldn't remember anyways so I told you the day I left I was gonna spend the night with her and maybe the next night as we plan on making a couple girls days.  J and I first day we had a nice morning walk and just enjoyed some chill time with coffee, finally we headed to our spa appt when your text came in , asking what our adventures were and if I had pics.  I showed her my phone and we burst out laughing.  J was my roommate on the girl trip, her husband is MIA also, but least  not a angry alcoholic or a liar. We decided to send our husbands our pretty (or so we thing) picture of us and see if and how our husbands responded.  Hers said "nice pic", you said "Looks like fun". My epic mermaid pic every...

 I come home last night and your car was moved.  Now listen, I know many times I've left for class you go out on a beer run. But last night was nearly comical. I walk in, put my stuff down and say "where did you go tonight"....with typical irritation you sharply responded "I didn't go anywhere"....pause......"WHY"  I said..."well your car is moved" luckily I'm not in view because I wasn't sure if I was eyerolling or smiling.  "I went and got cigarettes"  I wanted to say "Don't you hate when you park in the wrong spot". This morning beer can fresh in outside recycling. You must think I'm a fucking idiot

 The physical pain is unreal. It eats away at your brain and emotions more than the physical pain...or so it feels. I barely sleep, I'm in pain, I wake up in pain. I get my coffee and sit for a few. I start the dishes. I start making my breakfast and lunch and things together for a 10 hour day with R you don't even know. I collect the trash, and take it to the street. I gather the recycling and take to the street. I know you hear me in the garage but your phone trumps. I put the dishes away and washing up more, you come in and say "are you mad at me"? No, I say, I'm really not. I hurt, I'm lonely , depressed and even resentful how little you here as you scramble to get together your work breakfast cookout for your friends and my mind drifts to your not so secret friend A at work, wanting to ask, what will she bring? But does it matter, no? She's not married like you stated.  Will you send her a picture of your breakfast to her text. My mind goes to Ziggys ...

 I want to tell you..... "You can stop the morning and bed kisses.  It's obligation on your end and the facade.  I know you don't want it, I know you do it because you feel you have to" But if I say that audibly you will blow up, you will lie and say it's not. But we both know it is. It's a dry peck.  It comes with no emotion, it comes with no feeling except he feels he has to.  And I'm done fucking pretending.  I just want you to stop.  And I know you do also. On the couch you have stopped putting your hand on my leg, sometimes you pat it like a friend, other times you will put it there and I can feel your uncomfortable, and you call for Stitch to come between us to create space. You can stop that also.   I'm not so unattractive and desirable that I'm not wanted and need your attention.  Just because you've not been attracted to me doesn't mean this is my life.   But it maybe yours.  I hope not, but you seem good without ...

 The day is coming when I say to you..... I've tried, I've done everything I can to not just make "US" work, but to be happy and when I couldn't find happiness I tried to find content. But what I found there in content was not content at all. It became sadness and deep depression.  So I tried anti-depressants and continued therapy. And some of that got better when it was replaced with acceptance, but acceptance turned to loneliness, that turned to isolation. I found myself no longer really telling you things, talking to you, avoiding it because I saw no point.  I stopped being me.  I stopped laughing.  I stopped looking at our future because I know longer could see anything at all.  When I realized there was no point anymore, I just stopped trying.  I stopped saying I love you first, I stopped giving you long hugs, long kisses, I stopped the couple showers, I stopped putting my hand nestled in the crook of your collar bone and neck.  I stopped tex...

 Let me tell you a true story, one of many, but this one is really a zinger ... You pick up a receipt from a scuba dive place and say, "have you done this already", with surprise in your voice...I'm actually dumbfounded. Like completely honestly wholeheartedly DUMBFOUNDED...speechless. With snappy annoyance(as typical) you said "WHY are you LOOKING at me like that"?  I said, "Yea, August 23rd (18 days ago, day after your birthday, day after our icing on the cake fight)  You : "I didn't know about this" Me: "I came home with wet hair, I told you I was doing scuba, I even put it in text" You: "I didn't remember" than you walked off with 2 of 3 of your life favorite things....cigarettes and phone. Of course you didn't remember. Because you just don't give a fuck. If it's about me, you don't give a fuck, if it doesn't effect your life , you don't give a fuck.  How even you missed this. I don't re...

 I worked last night from 5-9.  Now typically when I'm at classes or work, I know you drink. It's not hard to tell.  But last night....WOWZER....I knew via text at work you had the drink going on. You tried to hide it when I got home, so I give you kudos to that. I just figured it was beer.  Couldn't have been JUST beer. We got in bed and you smelled like a fucking distillery.  You passed out quick with snoring but the SMELL...it would knock a person out.  Wasn't beer. I give you credit though Husband #2, you hide the proof very well. I don't know where you drink it, do you go out to drink than come home, do you have someone over? Maybe you just hide the proof well. I give you an applause.  Bravo. I hope it's worth it when you are sitting alone with your alcohol, just like old times being single.  Because you have one foot in the door because I have one foot way out this door. You are sad, pathetic and alcohol is your life.  I don't even know...

 If you wanted Rum....why not just open the bottle we brought home? Why go to the lengths of having to go buy the exact kind at a store, so I don't know.  The alcoholics hide more than drinking and it's true. I never expected you to "STAY HOME" when I am gone. In fact the contrary, go out and enjoy some time, see friends, go out, just be loyal, just be honest. Is that too much to expect? I don't think so. But for whatever reason, you hide it.   Like hiding you only worked 1/2 day the Wednesday after our blow up. You were even messaging me and I helped you with phone information going back and forth with AirBnB while I worked, but never did you say "I am going to call it a day from work and get this taken care of" I would have understood, but nope, you didn't do that. In fact you rolled in around the normal workday and time and walked in the door like you came in from work. Well Played, but I knew. Why Lie? You want to know what I am doing, where I am...