My first Goodbye.

 The day is coming when I say to you.....

I've tried, I've done everything I can to not just make "US" work, but to be happy and when I couldn't find happiness I tried to find content. But what I found there in content was not content at all. It became sadness and deep depression.  So I tried anti-depressants and continued therapy. And some of that got better when it was replaced with acceptance, but acceptance turned to loneliness, that turned to isolation. I found myself no longer really telling you things, talking to you, avoiding it because I saw no point.  I stopped being me.  I stopped laughing.  I stopped looking at our future because I know longer could see anything at all.  When I realized there was no point anymore, I just stopped trying.  I stopped saying I love you first, I stopped giving you long hugs, long kisses, I stopped the couple showers, I stopped putting my hand nestled in the crook of your collar bone and neck.  I stopped texting you to see how your day is, I stopped sharing, I just stopped.  I than started to see the fog clear and what I have found was you stopped trying after "I do" on May 22nd 2021.

So you if you say let's not do this, my reply will be.....I've always loved you.  I always will.  We said a long time ago people don't change at our age. And we didn't.  I thought you were exactly what you showed me when we started dating again.  The man that was physically loving, the man that called me just to see how my day was. The man that was attracted to me. The man that apologized when we fought.  The man that PROMISED me "things will get better" "You won't regret marrying me".  The facade began to dissolve in July of 2020. Red flags began to pop up, but you told me over and over it would get better, you apologized.  Maybe you thought you could change when you moved in, maybe married life would do that for you, maybe loving me would do that.  Maybe you'd only want a beer or two a couple times a week, that you wouldn't have to hide drinking from me.  Maybe you thought that you wouldn't desire to look at porn, pictures of girls online, saving screenshots and pictures, maybe you really believed that.  Maybe you thought budget was something we'd do together or taking care of the house.  But the reality is, none of this happened.  And maybe you lied all along. My heart wants to believe you didn't lie, my heart wants to believe that you loved me the best you knew how. My heart wants to believe I was the one you wanted. But the latter....it wasn't me.  You took advantage of my love.  You took advantage of my circumstance.  

You broke my heart.

You broke my heart when you followed a girl in Home Depot taking 10 photos of her ass, another lady 3 pics, a few other ladies 2-3 pictures as you followed them.  

 You broke my heart when we got married and you walked with another girl, but not your soon to be wife.

You broke my heart when you took a picture of a black girl with long fake hair, her ass, standing at checkout counter

You broke my heart while in Mexico you were looking at onlyfans while sitting at dinner with me waiting for friends, and taking pictures of our hostess's ass.

 You broke my heart when you paid to see girls on onlyfans, and your childhood friends daughter. 

You broke my heart in Oct of 2021 just 5 mths married when you pushed me off the bed. 

You broke my heart so many times when I saw pictures on your phone of many many sluts.

You broke my heart everytime you screamed and yelled at me and compared me to your exes.

You broke my heart when a small shove on my end to your back (one I apologized for) streamlined a physical fight from one end of the house to the other, from choke hold to full tackle on the ground. You never apologized. It wasn't your fault. It was mine.

You broke my heart when you hide, sneak drinking and treat me like I'm a stupid fool that don't know.

You broke my heart when you lied about where you went while I visited my grandchild. I never cared nor asked you to stay home. You lied, you lied that you went to the bar a couple times and our pub to eat. Why lie?

You broke my heart when you went out of your way to duplicate a bottle of rum so I didn't know.

You broke my heart when you stopped kissing me, touching me, loving me.

I've noticed all of it, but I don't think you did because you have only just shown who you are and what you know.

You haven't seen me naked in MONTHS, gave me a long kiss in MONTHS, we've had no intimacy since March 26 2022. You've not held my hand and now you've stopped putting your hand on my leg while we watch TV.  We don't hug.  You have just became you, And I can't fault you for being you.  But you are not the person for me.  And that will always break my heart for I loved you and I was exactly who I showed you from begining and wanted exactly what I told you before I do.  

 So now...I don't.  Go be you. Without me.  And I'm going to go be me, the me you have shown you don't want. 

I love you.


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