Watered Down A

 I guess I’ll make it short. Anything else is a waste of time Coworker has a wedding. The invitation is only for you because as people decline they invite a coworker. And the only reason another coworker gets to bring his wife is because it’s a mutual invite. And that’s not even what stands out because I understand people sometimes have to go to weddings alone. But somehow, several more coworkers got an invite, but never a wife of coworker which as many weddings I’ve been to, is very unusual. But somebody that really loved his wife or a spouse would have asked. “Would it be OK if my wife would join if you have anybody else drop out”? But why would you care if I go. You never told me you wished I was going. You never said you would ask if a spot opened up if I could go.  You never mentioned anything of the sort. Because you’ve never noticed me for anything. I have no clue why anybody would inflict the pain that you have caused on me.  You asked me how you look when you com...

 It's been awhile. Nothing new to report. Asses are still his fave, from any type of social, web, long as it's on his phone. Still sleep in separate rooms. We don't touch, if so it's very rare. He will pat my arm, rub my head like a dog.  I tried to hug him when I intercepted a xmas gift via my email. He stiffened up. It was awkward and I felt stupid.  I still walk on eggshells. Went on a cruise with my mom. He doesn't know where, he never asked where. He never asked where and if I scuba dived. He still has his work flirt, even took an array of pics of our dog to send her after work hours. We got new phones, that was a step in moving a new direction.  I won't touch his phone, I won't backdoor his stuff. Because what does it fucking matter.   I've told him I retained a lawyer a few times in text, to make sure he knew it, the day after my birthday, which I got yelled at for not reminding him since he completely forgot. Somehow it was my fault. Like everyth...

 Your Outback burying the cord to the pond. I walk up to you and I say I was going to bury that, where did you get the taco chips? He looks up at me and jumps out of his skin. I realize you have earbuds in...you snap so hastily at me... WHAT???? I look at you a surprise and I said I was going to do that. I noticed you got taco chips. And I walk away. I don't even think you realize you're an asshole and you get snappy over the stupidest shit the most common things why because that's how you feel about me. I'm so sick of this life  Oh wonderful you got a fresh 12 pack of beer I just can't wait. 

 You really don't know anything but deceiving and lying. It's fucking comical that you think I don't know that you run out like a sneaky kid and buy your beer when I don't see it. Whether I'm working out, I am at my moms, I'm at a job or I'm at a fucking funeral. You run out, after you're already home and when I leave so you can finish it before I get back. Or you do it before you come home. And then you're ignorant enough to think I don't fucking know because I don't see it. Get the fuck over yourself.  Just because I don't see the cans at home or see any other evidence and then you wanna fucking pretend that I don't know. Well newsflash you are fucking annoying just after 2 beers, Probably because you have shot your fucking liver. You commentate over shows, your hyper and you reek of it with every breath you exhale. I will not fucking miss this.  And I hope someday when you're sitting in your own apartment by yourself looking ar...

 My friend told me. "You will know when it's time". I never fully understood that until last night. I'm done. I know I've said it before. But there is a peace inside me. I'm ready to close the chapter and file. It's no secret I've told you we are done. And in rare times you will say " I want to get us back and I don't know how I know. I need to fix things with me". But not a single thing ever changes. I wondered what triggered last night that my heart had flipped to an actual,  I'm free of guilt and no longer scared to leave you. I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to let you go and start living my life. You living alone as you grow old is not my problem, in fact, I think that's who you are, a solo man.   Your loneliness does not fall on me if that happens.  I no longer feel guilty. I am free of that.  I thought maybe it was "A" from your work. That perhaps your text message of a picture  with an empty space in your ...

  I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm going to buy a new mattress topper for a queen size bed and I will just bring it home when I'm done. I do have one final thought in regards to us. I don't believe there is us to ever get back to. It was never truly an authentic relationship. We have never celebrated an anniversary. Never. We completely ignored this one. Three years. This is supposed to be the golden time the good times. I can't make you love me the way that you should love a  spouse or romantic partner. And I can't make you stop looking at sluts, or the level of drinking, I told you I would not tolerate or can deal with after 25 years with Scott . I don't know how to move forward exactly but I need a clear line and I need an honest line and that is that we are friends and roommates. And you have made that abundantly clear to me and every action that is all you were willing to provide to me.  I can't allow deluded hopes that will get us back because...