been awile

 It's been awhile.

Nothing new to report.

Asses are still his fave, from any type of social, web, long as it's on his phone. Still sleep in separate rooms. We don't touch, if so it's very rare. He will pat my arm, rub my head like a dog.  I tried to hug him when I intercepted a xmas gift via my email. He stiffened up. It was awkward and I felt stupid.  I still walk on eggshells.

Went on a cruise with my mom. He doesn't know where, he never asked where. He never asked where and if I scuba dived. He still has his work flirt, even took an array of pics of our dog to send her after work hours.

We got new phones, that was a step in moving a new direction.  I won't touch his phone, I won't backdoor his stuff. Because what does it fucking matter.  

I've told him I retained a lawyer a few times in text, to make sure he knew it, the day after my birthday, which I got yelled at for not reminding him since he completely forgot. Somehow it was my fault. Like everything else right.  I sat him down out back, told him I retained a lawyer. Told him don't you agree we need to go our separate ways? He said yes.  But here we are.

I'm down a job which hit me hard financially. But I'm going to finish paying lawyer and file.  

Yesterday we had it out, but recovered via text (only way we communicate yet he admits he don't read my "rants") he came home saw TV and snapped that I need to take it back he bought one for me. He raised his voice.  Feels like Merry Christmas. Sat like a stone and stayed quite through TV show. Went to bed.  No nothing. 

It's cold here.  Its lonely.  I'm not free.  I'm dying inside.

Why did he lie to me. Why did he use me? Why am I so fucking stupid?

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