Closing gaps and making closure

 There is no pain in the heart aside from the loss of a child that hurts as much as loving somebody do not only is not capable of loving you back, but continually looks outside of you. Living a life with you of not being pretty enough., Skinny enough desirable enough is painful. The feeling of being used is awful. But loving you has been the greatest pain of all. Wondering Why me. Why did you have to come and wreck my life.

I asked you yesterday why you wore your wedding ring. And you stated " I love you. I want to be here with you". I believe you love me in the only way you're capable of. And I definitely believe you want to be here and I'm just a gateway to here. 

To love somebody to only look at them in a sexual romantic, love way. Not to go out of your way to search for everything that's never going to be me or ever was. Not Asian not red hair not Hispanic not great butts not soccer players none of them. And I wonder why have I not ever been good enough for you. And you, you think you are a 10? No, you are hardly that. But loving you , you had all of me and my eyes for you. 

This isn't the end of my story. I see a lawyer tomorrow and I'm putting down a retainer. My life is half over and I would rather be alone than with somebody that makes me feel alone and unattractive and unloved. If there's nobody out there to love me for what I, I would rather spend life alone, loving myself. 

I truly believe you're going to look back and not so long future and wish you would've quit things or reeled back you're drinking and didn't go out of your way to continually search to amuse your lust online at other women. But it will be too late. You wanted a second chance and you said you would never do anything to lose me again, but you lost me before you even put a ring on my finger because your heart was never in it and you were looking outside of us before we said I do. 

I truly believe you love me in the only way you're capable of. I also believe you thought you could change or you thought I wouldn't find out. But that wasn't being transparent when I was transparent with you. And maybe you will never read this and maybe if you do, you still won't see it because in your world you live in a bubble of beer, sluts, your phone, and your cigarettes. I wish you nothing but the very best but I'm on my way out the door. 


By the way, our 3rd year anniversary came and went. 3 fucking years. We've never celebrated one of them. 

I'm so stupid to have stayed this long. You have profoundly hurt me 






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