Heartfelt lies

 Another fight ...not even sure why I bother. You came home later than normal clock out, very clear you had some beer, I asked if you had beer with guys after work, you snapped no, why? I said because you seem a little toasted. 

In good old fashion you blew the fuck up. Saying I'm shitty to you, yada yada, typical gaslighting you do. You yell at me because I'm calm, accusing me of patronizing and laughing . I can't win. 

I say in a bit "if I'm what you've wanted why do you still look outside our marriage at woman and porn" and rare honest answer you say "I don't know" I ask why I'm not worth working at our marriage. You claim you are internally. We are a team you say, you look confused. 

The next day I text you and I apologize that you moved down and cashed out your 401(k). I told you I didn't ask you nor expected you and have you been honest about yourself and the way you saw my marriage you would not have moved down. We both gave up things. This is what you texted me back.


In the very next day was a new beginning. Another damn fucking thing has changed. A normal person that truly wanted to work on his marriage would have woken up in the morning with a fresh start. A hug a text in the middle of the day, asking how my day is going. But not a damn fucking thing has changed. And now it's December 13th and my calf is so messed up I can barely walk. Another morning you get up can't even offer a hug as I stay in there doing the dishes. You don't even touch me anymore. I told you I'm filing divorce the spring I may have said it when I was upset in text but I meant every word. I need to date people. I need to fill in those gaps, but living here in emptiness with someone who doesn't even want to touch me, but yet has everything he hasn't him to look outside of me at other women. That's killing me. 




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