Watered Down A

  I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm going to buy a new mattress topper for a queen size bed and I will just bring it home when I'm done. I do have one final thought in regards to us. I don't believe there is us to ever get back to. It was never truly an authentic relationship. We have never celebrated an anniversary. Never. We completely ignored this one. Three years. This is supposed to be the golden time the good times. I can't make you love me the way that you should love a  spouse or romantic partner. And I can't make you stop looking at sluts, or the level of drinking, I told you I would not tolerate or can deal with after 25 years with Scott . I don't know how to move forward exactly but I need a clear line and I need an honest line and that is that we are friends and roommates. And you have made that abundantly clear to me and every action that is all you were willing to provide to me.  I can't allow deluded hopes that will get us back because...

 There is no pain in the heart aside from the loss of a child that hurts as much as loving somebody do not only is not capable of loving you back, but continually looks outside of you. Living a life with you of not being pretty enough., Skinny enough desirable enough is painful. The feeling of being used is awful. But loving you has been the greatest pain of all. Wondering Why me. Why did you have to come and wreck my life. I asked you yesterday why you wore your wedding ring. And you stated " I love you. I want to be here with you". I believe you love me in the only way you're capable of. And I definitely believe you want to be here and I'm just a gateway to here.  To love somebody to only look at them in a sexual romantic, love way. Not to go out of your way to search for everything that's never going to be me or ever was. Not Asian not red hair not Hispanic not great butts not soccer players none of them. And I wonder why have I not ever been good enough for yo...

 I don't get it.  You are doing things for me, going out of your way.  But you are not interested. I left you a note so when you clear your search you can read it. Happy Crafting  in anything outside friends. So why do you still wear your wedding ring?  What are we doing ?  I hope some day you find a red headed Asian soccer player and can have some banging fuck and throw back some beers and smoke away. What a wonderful life that would be for you.  But me? I'm not want you want. The only part of what you want from me is maid, buddy, cheap house and dog. That's not marriage. How could you think that's what I would want?   

  You're drinking makes me sick. Tonight I went to a baseball game and of course I come home and you're drunk. It's as if you think I won't know you got drunk or even a great buzz. You hide the cans, you think you are savy. You are not.  But what's really new-ish is you catch a buzz almost every single day. You don't even try to hide it anymore. Well maybe you do because I'm sure you would deny it. But frankly, you're annoying as fuck After a few beers and you are SLOPPY and I'm tired of walking on land mines  We don't have conversations much because I don't want to talk to you when I don't know which way you'll flip and in the morning there's no time. Or you forget and repeat a question. Weekends after 12 forget about it. Drink is on. You work on stuff when you have your drink on, than wonder why shit don't go right. You are sloppy. So sloppy.  I hope this always makes you happy.